What Defines Us

"You are what you eat."

You know you have heard it before and laughed. But, though I am not a cup of tea and three soft boiled eggs right now, there is a bit of truth there.

My decisions define who I am. When I decided last week to enjoy the leftover mashed potatoes and chocolate cake until I had a carbohydrate headache, I chose to be who I have been, instead of changing into who I want to be.

And when I ate potato salad, macaroni and cheese, my bbq sandwich on a BUN, and STILL have a few bites of cake and pie, I was choosing, yet again, that enjoying something momentarily was more important than enjoying peace. Yes, peace with myself for making a good decision is peace.

But the sugar rush, including shakes and cold sweats and the resulting pounding headache reminded me for an extra day and a half that I did not choose well.

So, what else defines me? Is it a number? That is part of who I am, but sharing it here doesn't change what is. It doesn't change what people see when they look at me, and it doesn't change what I see when I see myself in a photograph. No one is surprised when they see my weight. They can tell by looking at me that I am obese. When they look at me, they see a FAT person.

This is why I post my weight here for God and everyone to see. Am I ashamed?

Yes.

But mostly, it is because that number is a reflection of an inherent weakness and lack of self-control, coupled with the coping skills of a woman who has been through a LOT of crap in her life. A woman who has built a wall of FAT to protect her from who she perceives herself to be, and what she knows she is capable of being. A woman who has created poor habits and cultivated laziness.

So I post it without reservations. Because I choose to NOT be her any more. I choose to let myself heal from the pain of my past. I choose to be different from the skeletons in my closet, and not be lazy and secretive now.

I won't let the number on the scale define who I am or dictate the choices I make today.

And today I weighed in at 252.6 (up .6 lbs)