I am resurrecting this blog for a brief moment, because I have had something brewing in my heart for a while and I think I'm ready to share.
I loved blogging, when I was a blogger, but my life has significantly changed, and I haven't taken the time to prioritize it. So I don't promise that I am "back," though I would like to keep this open, so I can go back and read it now and again. And if it inspires anyone, in the process, well, that's okay, too.
I can't remember where I left off, because I have purposely not refreshed my memory of where I was three years ago, before writing the things God is currently doing in my life. So I'm going to start this post as a beginning, although it is far from being that.
I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I have never been happy with my body. It has taken some years to come to the understanding that very few people are. (Imagine that!) We all have something about ourselves that we would like to change. But this post isn't about that.
This post is about the bondage of addiction.
This post is about the sin of pride and selfishness.
This post is specifically about the sin of gluttony.
I have known for a long time that something was wrong in my brain, with regard to food. That part of your brain that tells you after three to six Oreos that you are done, just doesn't work in my brain. I don't know why. If I eat an Oreo, when it is gone, I want another. Then another. Then another.
You can see why this would be a problem.
I am a binge eater. I have been a secret binge eater for all of my life, that I can remember. Even as a child.
I have been shamed, loved, cajoled, threatened, encouraged, and even bribed to lose weight, throughout my life. Some things worked; some did not. But the constant running theme was "you are not good enough." I know the theme was more likely "you are worth more than this," but it didn't feel like it. It felt like shame and disappointment. And judgment.
Many times I broke from the cancer of the sin holding me down, only to be pulled back into bondage to it. Like a cigarette smoker, I quit nearly every day, only to pick it up the next morning.
Then God put someone in my life who called me out. She held me accountable for my choices and didn't let me go on feeding myself the lies sandwiched between the chocolate cookies. I have had other people encourage me and try to hold me accountable, but I hid from them, not willing to be real for any length of time.
Sin hates the truth.
But this lady reminded me of something. I am a child of the God of the universe, and I am precious enough to die for! God isn't interested in me trying. He is interested in me shining His light, in whatever way He wants me to, at that very moment.
He has the power to bring life from death, even in me! In fact, I am told to die to myself, that Christ can live in me. That's a really hard concept to grasp, without an eternal perspective. In this world of instant gratification and super sized meals and streaming everything-ness, we don't know how to play the long game. We don't know how to run the race, much less run it well. We are filled with self-importance and a me-mentality, not having any idea what it means to bring glory to God and consider others above ourselves.
The thing that God has constantly been bringing to mind recently is liberty in Christ. I have been doing a program called the 21 Day Fix for a while now. It is pretty much just clean eating, as I understand it. No processed foods, no processed sugar, just lots of fruits, veggies, lean protein, limited seeds and nuts, and LOTS of water. It is so. much. food. But it is restrictive, in that I don't eat like I used to.
I choose not to live in the "can't have" mentality, but rather the "I don't live there" mentality. I don't know it that makes sense, but it does to me. I started off telling myself that I wasn't eating banana pudding today, but that didn't mean there would never be banana pudding in my future. It was my way of coping with the loss of my precious banana pudding. But as I have gone along, I have come to the understanding that if banana pudding doesn't ever happen for me again, it's okay. Why would I want anything that could potentially kill me?
Please hear me. There is nothing wrong with banana pudding.
There is something wrong with me.
I am addicted to banana pudding.
And Oreo cookies.
And Hostess Donettes.
You get my point, I hope.
But when I got on my knees before the Lord and confessed my sin and selfishness, begging for freedom from the chains of my addiction, another friend happened to mention this 21 Day thing. I looked it up and immediately was filled with hope and excitement. Here was a plan that fed me more than enough, so I would never feel hungry. Here was a plan that would re-train my body to eat to live, rather than live to eat. Here was a plan that would break my addiction to sugar and caffeine.
Just when I needed it, God showed up. This was not a coincidence.
Every day I have to choose to believe it and live in the freedom provided by a loving God.
I can choose to feel like I can't have the banana pudding, or I can choose to feel like I am free from the bondage to banana pudding. It is my choice.
Today I choose freedom.
It has been hard. I have cried. I have fallen off the wagon. I have been strong in the Lord. I have cheated. I have been encouraged to keep on swimming. But through it all, the theme has been the same.
God is stronger than my addiction.
He is stronger than the chains of gluttony.
He is stronger than sin.
He is stronger than....