Friday, November 4, 2011
When I look at it, it is so hard to keep my focus right. I sometimes fall into the trap of congratulating myself for how far I've come, and then I fall into the opposite side of the same trap of becoming overwhelmed at how far I have to go.
Neither one is healthy for me to dwell on. Acknowlege, sure. But don't dwell there.
When I concentrate on the daily choices, I can manage this.
When I focus on making good choices for THIS meal, I am free.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
But what I have decided is that it also doesn't matter what your addiction is, because whatever it is, it is holding you captive.
I suppose that it's no big mystery what my addiction is. Some of us hide ours better than others, but it's really hard to hide a butt this big. Even behind a great big personality.
Why is it that when I am feeling the weakest, I can't seem to stop myself from reaching for food? If there is any kind of sweet in the house I really can't resist it.
Halloween is a really hard time around here, because I don't want my kids to feel left out. So I let them participate. But then the candy in the house is obviously a bad idea for me. I can't even sleep. I dream about chocolate. or smarties. or starbursts.
Sweets seem to be my biggest downfall.
I can do without bread.
I can do without pasta.
I can do without rice.
I can even do without potatoes (for a while).
But when I give in to the craving for something sweet, I lose control. I can't get enough. It is like a drug. A little bit is just enough to make me mad.
For a while there, I was doing really good. Then I lost access to the gym. Well, truthfully, I could have gone to another, but I told myself that my gym would be back up and running soon, and it would be okay to miss a little while.
The truth was, it wasn't okay. I lost my momentum, big time.
Then I got busy getting my business up and running and it kinda ran away from me for a month. Eating on the go didn't help, because I didn't make ANY of the right choices.
Meanwhile, the chains of addiction have tightened, and I am choking.
I am afraid to get on the scale, because I don't want to know what I have done to myself. But I will do it in the morning, because it is time to face the truth. Freedom is not found in the hiding. So here I am.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Oh, yeah. Life has been happening.
We have had company over, family in, and gone on a little trip in the past few weeks.
Plus, I got a little job. (more on that later)
All the while, I've not been doing well on either my eating choices, NOR my exercise.
I won't lie. I can make decent choices when I don't have carbs around me, but if they are there, I will eat them. This is the reason there are no chips in my house.
I'll let the gravity of that sink in for a minute.
But when I go camping, there are roasted marshmallows involved. In fact, there are ENTIRE. SMORES. involved.
There are chips.
There are cookies.
But there is also a lot of water, because I don't really care enough about soda to pack it.
And there is much physical activity, in the form of water sports. (and setting up and breaking camp...)
Meanwhile, I just ate like a normal camping fool, and ended up feeling pretty crummy. I could feel the water retension in my fingers and feet.
So when I came home, after a couple days feeling sorry for myself about the choices I had made, and a very encouraging letter from my daddy, I am back at it.
I am holding off weighing myself until I go weigh in at the doctor's office next week. That will give me a little time to shed a little of the excess water.
My fingers are already feeling a little better.
So. About the job.
I am working in the church kitchen once a week, where we serve a meal before evening service. This is especially difficult, because, as my daddy so correctly pointed out, it's a little like hiring an alcoholic to tend bar. I spent all day yesterday surrounded by the aroma of freshly baked cake.
I'll just go over here and eat a salad, thank you.
In my car.
Away from the cake.
Where you can't see me cry.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
But now I feel out of whack when I go anywhere. I have found what works at Chick fil a and my favorite place, Francisco's. But one day I nearly had a stupid panic attack in McAlisters.
I know. I know. Just eat a salad, already. But what if I don't WANT a salad. What if I had salad for breakfast? It could happen!!
So, I find myself looking at a menu and salivating at the things I would normally choose.
Time to boot myself outta the rut where I feel weighed down by all the things I CAN'T have. I need to re-train my brain to look for things I CAN enjoy.
Meanwhile, I seem to have the same problem at home. After awhile, eggs every morning gets BORING...
I feel like Bubba. Fried eggs, boiled eggs, scrambled eggs, poached eggs...
Time to crack out that killer omelette recipe.
That's eggs, too.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
You know you have heard it before and laughed. But, though I am not a cup of tea and three soft boiled eggs right now, there is a bit of truth there.
My decisions define who I am. When I decided last week to enjoy the leftover mashed potatoes and chocolate cake until I had a carbohydrate headache, I chose to be who I have been, instead of changing into who I want to be.
And when I ate potato salad, macaroni and cheese, my bbq sandwich on a BUN, and STILL have a few bites of cake and pie, I was choosing, yet again, that enjoying something momentarily was more important than enjoying peace. Yes, peace with myself for making a good decision is peace.
But the sugar rush, including shakes and cold sweats and the resulting pounding headache reminded me for an extra day and a half that I did not choose well.
So, what else defines me? Is it a number? That is part of who I am, but sharing it here doesn't change what is. It doesn't change what people see when they look at me, and it doesn't change what I see when I see myself in a photograph. No one is surprised when they see my weight. They can tell by looking at me that I am obese. When they look at me, they see a FAT person.
This is why I post my weight here for God and everyone to see. Am I ashamed?
But mostly, it is because that number is a reflection of an inherent weakness and lack of self-control, coupled with the coping skills of a woman who has been through a LOT of crap in her life. A woman who has built a wall of FAT to protect her from who she perceives herself to be, and what she knows she is capable of being. A woman who has created poor habits and cultivated laziness.
So I post it without reservations. Because I choose to NOT be her any more. I choose to let myself heal from the pain of my past. I choose to be different from the skeletons in my closet, and not be lazy and secretive now.
I won't let the number on the scale define who I am or dictate the choices I make today.
And today I weighed in at 252.6 (up .6 lbs)
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Let's just say I didn't have a good one and move on, shall we?
Nah... In the spirit of full disclosure, Imma tell you how it all went down.
So, after a good week last week, and a happy number on the scale, I decided to make Monday my cheat day. So far, so good. But I went a little far. There were leftovers from Monday, so Tuesday became a cheat day, as well.
Not too bad, but I went to do stairs and jump rope and do a little walking/jogging Tuesday afternoon. Still good.
Then I was introduced to the shin splint. I'm not sure what I was doing differently than before, but I was in a lot of pain for the next few days, wherein I got NO exercise.
Top that with starting my period and all the chocolate craving that includes, and I didn't make very good choices At. All.
Also, somehow I managed to forget my daily Victoza shots for a couple days. My "want-er" was Out. Of. Control...
So, after yesterday's carb-filled Day O Family Fun, I'm not thinking the scale is gonna like me too much tomorrow.
But you know what? I'm not going to let that get me down. We all have bad days, bad weeks, bad months. Shoot! I've had some pretty bad YEARS! I'm going to take some ibuprofen to get me through this carb hangover today, dust myself off, and get right back on that treadmill!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
I ate right.
I even got some exercise in.
And a few people stopped me Sunday to encourage me, which I just LOVE.
So I wasn't too worried when I went to weigh in today, although I like to go in the morning, but didn't get to the doctor's until after noon.
I'm down five pounds more. Current weight: 252
Which means I have LESS THAN 100 POUNDS LEFT!
Saturday, August 6, 2011
I really like jumping rope.
It doesn't hurt when I do it. It doesn't even hurt later that day.
But the next day and night I feel like someone used my rib cage for a punching bag. I'm guessing it's because when I jump, there's more movement of body than would be on the average person.
I'll just let that image sink into your brain.
So last night, when I could barely breathe, I decided to try something new. Usually, I take about 3-5 days to recover, but I decided to get back on the horse.
I got out my jump rope again.
This time, I was wearing my Spanx. (lovingly known as my science fiction magic pants....)
And it DIDN'T HURT!!
(until I crawled into bed.)
Friday, August 5, 2011
But I didn't let that stop me...
I just ran stairs and jumped rope and did bleacher push-ups until I looked like this...
I have been eating pretty strictly, since I didn't do too great last week, so I have hopes for better numbers when I weigh in on Monday.
Meanwhile, keepin' it real, folks.
Monday, August 1, 2011
A big fat one, HAHAHAHA!
Okay, so not a total loser, as I might have hoped.
I lost a whoppin' pound.
Baby steps, people!
No, really... I did well until I had to be cooking carbs for a bunch of kids. In the midst of taco night, complete with brownies, and chicken nuggets and mac & cheese lunch on Saturday, coupled with home baked chocolate chip cookies, of which I may have eaten a few, I didn't do all that great.
But considering all the things I didn't eat, I should get SOME credit!!
I figure I will see some difference after this week if I drink plenty of water and eat right. I'll let you know.
Meanwhile, Imma have to log onto my other computer to update my ticker with my new and improved weight...
Friday, July 29, 2011
Everyone has been so sweet and encouraging! I know I have a long way to go to get to my goal.
I also know this has to be a life change. There isn't really a finish line, when it comes to being fit. I have a weight loss goal, but the number isn't really my point. I am just trying to get healthy.
And then stay there.
I have been working out daily with a friend, who has been where I am today. She is such a strong woman. I wanna be like her when I grow up. She has lost the weight, and gained some back, and lost some of it again. She started out somewhere close to where I am today, so she feels my pain. She knows how every day is a struggle, what with All. The. Eating.
And All. The. Exercise.
She told me today that she doesn't want me to quit. Not that I'm thinking of it, yet. But it IS my M.O. And she knows this path well enough to know how hard it is to stick to.
And then there's my BFF. She can't go to the gym with me, because she's working all day, and when she's not at work, she still has all the duties of a mom. But she's right there with me, even when she's not. She's actually paying for my weekly shots. Okay, I'm doing something for her, so technically she's just paying me, but we both know the "why." And knowing that she's making a sacrifice because she loves me and wants me around makes me feel treasured.
So, this post is dedicated to my friends. You know who you are. You are a great encouragement to me, and I appreciate you.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
I had to purge my closet a few weeks back. My clothes began telling me what the scale wasn't willing to admit. "You're doing it!!"
So, I started pulling out the things that were hanging on me nearly as badly as they hung on the hangers. I couldn't believe how much STUFF I had in that closet!
Now my closet is much easier to tidy.
Thankfully, a sweet friend at church, who has lost most of her weight, has passed me all her fat clothes. And she was smaller that I was when I began. So now her things fit me.
Which means I don't have to go naked. Yay!
Cuz I don't want to blind anyone.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
I'll be hunting them down later tonight...
Just kidding. It's fine, really!
Anyhoo, she heard that I've been losing weight, and wondered what I have been doing. I told her all about the shots I'm taking, and the low carb diet I'm sorta sticking to. But she wanted details.
Here's the scoop...
When I realized that my MIC Ultra came with a recommendation for a low carb diet, I went to my local grocery store and bought a book about the new Atkins Diet. I read about the first two chapters, which I know, I KNOW you aren't supposed to do, and just figured I'd cut out bread, pasta, rice, potatoes and sugar. I don't eat much fruit, but when I do, I eat it alone. Once upon a time, I read something about that, and figured it wouldn't hurt.
The low carb way seems a lot like a list of CAN'T haves, so I made a mental list of CAN haves. Otherwise I'd go nuts.
Here's (mostly) what I eat:
Meats, eggs, veggies, cheeses, and fats.
And drink LOTS of water.
An example of a day is this:
Breakfast: Boiled eggs and sausage
Lunch: Turkey lunch meat wrapped around a cheese stick
(Sometimes I'll wrap that in lettuce)
Sliced tomatoes with a little salt
Sliced cucumber with some ranch veggie dip
Dinner: Grilled chicken
Salad of lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, shredded cheddar and ranch dressing
I do cheat a bit once or twice a week. It keeps me from going bonkers. Usually on Sunday I eat out, and don't worry about the carbs. I love Mexican, so sometimes I go all out and have chips and salsa (with a sopapilla for dessert, ;-)
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Otherwise known as the torture chamber.
I can't say I have ever had a love affair with that place. I really don't like going. I have nothing against exercise, per se. I have more of an issue with the pain I feel as a result of my visit.
And I don't like being sweaty.
Some ladies have a nice little glisten after thirty minutes of trudging uphill on a treadmill. I, on the other hand, sweat like a pig after about ten minutes. But stick me on the elliptical and I am gasping for breath after only five.
So, why does my trainer insist that I do the elliptical with RESISTANCE??
She is out to get me.
She gives me homework. Counter-top push-ups. I have yet to do them. :-D
I am doing 30 minutes of cardio daily during the week, then 45-60 minutes of weight training. Today I lasted 20 minutes on the elliptical before I switched to the bicycle. I'm determined to kick that elliptical machine's butt.
Meanwhile, I told you my weight yesterday was 258. I forgot to mention that it was five pounds lighter than a week ago. Woohoo!
Right after my workout yesterday, I was at our local stuff-mart, and the lady behind the clipboard at the photo booth asked me to do a survey, then offered me a free picture, just to let her practice by taking my picture.
Hear this: I do NOT like my picture taken. I hide from the camera. I don't let ANYONE photograph me. Those who love me best studiously try to adhere to my wishes in this department. So you can imagine how very monumental it was that I let this tiny girl take my picture when I was STRAIGHT. OUT. OF. THE. GYM.
But I needed a "before" picture.
Who was I to argue with a semi-professional free one??
Sunday, July 24, 2011
My back story:
I have tried for my whole adult life to be fit, lose weight, or just get off my bee-hind and get moving.
Admittedly, those efforts have been sporadic, frantic, motivated by depression, or something along those lines.
I have watched The Biggest Loser every season, sitting on the couch, eating a bowl of ice cream, with determination to get serious.
I have done "boot camp" at the YMCA, and been cheered on by the very people who, when I came to the first class, looked at me with disdain, no doubt thinking, "Well, here's the fat chick. SHE'LL never make it." Then when I came back for class after class, realized I was sticking to it.
Then when the class was over, I went back to the couch.
I have cried many tears about my weight and general lack of fitness. I don't want to cry anymore. I want to take control.
Back in January I went on a cruise for my sister-in-law's wedding, where I met her best friend. On the cruise, she took an opportunity to speak to me about my weight. I have heard it all.
"You'd be so beautiful, if you lost a few pounds, or a hundred."
"Do it for your children."
"Do it for yourself."
Well, she told me something I'd never heard before.
"I was 20 years old when I lost my mother because of her obesity. Please don't leave your children without their mother."
Then, to make it a one-two punch, my husband told me that he's lost without me and really, really doesn't want to be alone.
So I came home and went to the doctor to see what I could do. I was pretty set on having surgery to help me lose my excess weight. I had already talked to her about it, and she was on board way back when, but I had chickened out and gone all ostrich about my weight again, burying my head in the sand, while softening the blow with oreo cookies and drowning my pain in milk.
This time I wasn't going to do that again. She told me to start researching my insurance requirements, and she'd start documenting my weight loss efforts again. Meanwhile, she suggested I begin taking MIC Ultra injections and eating a low carb diet. And she put me on a daily injectable blood sugar regulator, called Victoza.
As I was doing the insurance legwork, to my amazement, my weight started slipping off. The shots, coupled with the low carb diet, were working. So I decided to keep doing it. Pretty soon, people started noticing and commenting. Encouragement poured in. 40-45 lbs later, I quit my very physical job and my weight loss stalled.
No exercise = no weight loss...
Plus, the budget no longer supported the cost of the weekly MIC Ultra injections.
The carbs crept back in...
The pounds crept back on...
And I said, "NO!!"
So, now, thanks to a side job and a compassionate sister, who wants me to be around for a while, I'm back at it. I gained back 10 of the pounds I had lost, but I'm working out now with a trainer 4-5 days a week, and she's a pusher.
I have somewhere around 100 pounds to lose, which seems quite impossible, but there you have it. Sometime soon, I'll post a widget with some sort of visual aid to help me see my goal, and watch my progress. You know, when I get techno-savvy, or when pigs fly, whichever comes first...
Current weight: 258.
So, who's with me?