Weight tracker

Friday, June 19, 2015


This morning I was on my way out the door, talking to God as I headed to work. I was telling Him just how disgusted I have been with myself, knowing that I still struggle every. day. with the same issue. Basically, I was telling Him that I didn't understand how He could keep on forgiving me and extending grace to me, when I keep falling flat on my face, bowing to my own selfish desires. How can He love me enough to never tire of me confessing the same sin?
I spent time praising Him for being the kind of God whose thoughts are beyond my own, but still feeling very unworthy.

Then I turned on my audio book of the Bible I listen to on my way to work. Gregory Peck picked up where we had left off the last time, which was in II Corintians chapter 12.

Now, I want you to know that I am not faithful in my quiet time, and it may be a cop-out for me to listen to the Bible on audio book, but it's just how I spend some of my morning commutes. It has been a while since I have turned it on, and I have drifted away from my dedication to it. It should come as no surprise that I have lost steam in the battle of my weight loss.

Coincidence? I think not.

Meanwhile, chapter 12...

Paul's writing is usually pretty much over my head, but there are bits that jump out at me, such as this morning's passage. Paul was talking about how he didn't want people to think of him more highly than they ought, and explaining how he had a "thorn in the flesh" that he had prayed three times for God to remove from him. He doesn't tell what that thorn is, whether it be some physical ailment, or spiritual struggle, or even a straight-up sin that he was troubled by. It obviously doesn't matter, in the eternal scheme of things, because what matters is the response he received from the Lord.

9And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
10Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.
Let me tell you, friends, this came to me this morning, just like a tangible hug from the Father. I immediately burst into tears. You know: the ugly cry.  And laughter bubbled up through it all. My weakness is where God is glorified! He takes pleasure in being the only One who can forgive me and extend grace when I fall flat on my face. He is never surprised or disappointed. He is never disgusted by me being human. I think He must be sad as He waits for me to look back up from my mess and cry out for Him, but His love is always right there waiting.

Sunday, April 26, 2015


I am resurrecting this blog for a brief moment, because I have had something brewing in my heart for a while and I think I'm ready to share.
I loved blogging, when I was a blogger, but my life has significantly changed, and I haven't taken the time to prioritize it. So I don't promise that I am "back," though I would like to keep this open, so I can go back and read it now and again. And if it inspires anyone, in the process, well, that's okay, too.

I can't remember where I left off, because I have purposely not refreshed my memory of where I was three years ago, before writing the things God is currently doing in my life. So I'm going to start this post as a beginning, although it is far from being that.

I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I have never been happy with my body. It has taken some years to come to the understanding that very few people are. (Imagine that!) We all have something about ourselves that we would like to change. But this post isn't about that.

This post is about the bondage of addiction.

This post is about the sin of pride and selfishness.

This post is specifically about the sin of gluttony.

I have known for a long time that something was wrong in my brain, with regard to food. That part of your brain that tells you after three to six Oreos that you are done, just doesn't work in my brain. I don't know why. If I eat an Oreo, when it is gone, I want another. Then another. Then another.

You can see why this would be a problem.

I am a binge eater. I have been a secret binge eater for all of my life, that I can remember. Even as a child.

I have been shamed, loved, cajoled, threatened, encouraged, and even bribed to lose weight, throughout my life. Some things worked; some did not. But the constant running theme was "you are not good enough." I know the theme was more likely "you are worth more than this," but it didn't feel like it. It felt like shame and disappointment. And judgment.

Many times I broke from the cancer of the sin holding me down, only to be pulled back into bondage to it. Like a cigarette smoker, I quit nearly every day, only to pick it up the next morning.

Then God put someone in my life who called me out. She held me accountable for my choices and didn't let me go on feeding myself the lies sandwiched between the chocolate cookies. I have had other people encourage me and try to hold me accountable, but I hid from them, not willing to be real for any length of time.

Sin hates the truth.

But this lady reminded me of something. I am a child of the God of the universe, and I am precious enough to die for! God isn't interested in me trying. He is interested in me shining His light, in whatever way He wants me to, at that very moment.

He has the power to bring life from death, even in me! In fact, I am told to die to myself, that Christ can live in me. That's a really hard concept to grasp, without an eternal perspective. In this world of instant gratification and super sized meals and streaming everything-ness, we don't know how to play the long game. We don't know how to run the race, much less run it well. We are filled with self-importance and a me-mentality, not having any idea what it means to bring glory to God and consider others above ourselves.

The thing that God has constantly been bringing to mind recently is liberty in Christ. I have been doing a program called the 21 Day Fix for a while now. It is pretty much just clean eating, as I understand it. No processed foods, no processed sugar, just lots of fruits, veggies, lean protein, limited seeds and nuts, and LOTS of water. It is so. much. food. But it is restrictive, in that I don't eat like I used to.

I choose not to live in the "can't have" mentality, but rather the "I don't live there" mentality. I don't know it that makes sense, but it does to me. I started off telling myself that I wasn't eating banana pudding today, but that didn't mean there would never be banana pudding in my future. It was my way of coping with the loss of my precious banana pudding. But as I have gone along, I have come to the understanding that if banana pudding doesn't ever happen for me again, it's okay. Why would I want anything that could potentially kill me?

Please hear me. There is nothing wrong with banana pudding.

There is something wrong with me.

I am addicted to banana pudding.

And Oreo cookies.

And Hostess Donettes.

You get my point, I hope.

But when I got on my knees before the Lord and confessed my sin and selfishness, begging for freedom from the chains of my addiction, another friend happened to mention this 21 Day thing. I looked it up and immediately was filled with hope and excitement. Here was a plan that fed me more than enough, so I would never feel hungry. Here was a plan that would re-train my body to eat to live, rather than live to eat. Here was a plan that would break my addiction to sugar and caffeine.

Just when I needed it, God showed up. This was not a coincidence.

Every day I have to choose to believe it and live in the freedom provided by a loving God.

I can choose to feel like I can't have the banana pudding, or I can choose to feel like I am free from the bondage to banana pudding.  It is my choice.

Today I choose freedom.

It has been hard. I have cried. I have fallen off the wagon. I have been strong in the Lord. I have cheated. I have been encouraged to keep on swimming. But through it all, the theme has been the same.

God is stronger than my addiction.

He is stronger than the chains of gluttony.

He is stronger than sin.

He is stronger than....