Tick Tock

I had to update the old ticker at the top of my page. Obviously, it wasn't the direction I prefer my updates to be.

When I look at it, it is so hard to keep my focus right. I sometimes fall into the trap of congratulating myself for how far I've come, and then I fall into the opposite side of the same trap of becoming overwhelmed at how far I have to go.

Neither one is healthy for me to dwell on. Acknowlege, sure. But don't dwell there.

When I concentrate on the daily choices, I can manage this.

When I focus on making good choices for THIS meal, I am free.

The Ties that Bind

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day. She is a recovering drug addict. I guess it doesn't matter how long you have been sober. You are always a recovering (fill in the blank) addict.

But what I have decided is that it also doesn't matter what your addiction is, because whatever it is, it is holding you captive.

I suppose that it's no big mystery what my addiction is. Some of us hide ours better than others, but it's really hard to hide a butt this big. Even behind a great big personality.

And sparkles.

Why is it that when I am feeling the weakest, I can't seem to stop myself from reaching for food? If there is any kind of sweet in the house I really can't resist it.

Halloween is a really hard time around here, because I don't want my kids to feel left out. So I let them participate. But then the candy in the house is obviously a bad idea for me. I can't even sleep. I dream about chocolate. or smarties. or starbursts.

Sweets seem to be my biggest downfall.

I can do without bread.
I can do without pasta.
I can do without rice.
I can even do without potatoes (for a while).

But when I give in to the craving for something sweet, I lose control. I can't get enough. It is like a drug. A little bit is just enough to make me mad.

For a while there, I was doing really good. Then I lost access to the gym. Well, truthfully, I could have gone to another, but I told myself that my gym would be back up and running soon, and it would be okay to miss a little while.

The truth was, it wasn't okay. I lost my momentum, big time.

Then I got busy getting my business up and running and it kinda ran away from me for a month. Eating on the go didn't help, because I didn't make ANY of the right choices.

Meanwhile, the chains of addiction have tightened, and I am choking.

I am afraid to get on the scale, because I don't want to know what I have done to myself. But I will do it in the morning, because it is time to face the truth. Freedom is not found in the hiding. So here I am.

Again.