Tick Tock

I had to update the old ticker at the top of my page. Obviously, it wasn't the direction I prefer my updates to be.

When I look at it, it is so hard to keep my focus right. I sometimes fall into the trap of congratulating myself for how far I've come, and then I fall into the opposite side of the same trap of becoming overwhelmed at how far I have to go.

Neither one is healthy for me to dwell on. Acknowlege, sure. But don't dwell there.

When I concentrate on the daily choices, I can manage this.

When I focus on making good choices for THIS meal, I am free.

The Ties that Bind

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day. She is a recovering drug addict. I guess it doesn't matter how long you have been sober. You are always a recovering (fill in the blank) addict.

But what I have decided is that it also doesn't matter what your addiction is, because whatever it is, it is holding you captive.

I suppose that it's no big mystery what my addiction is. Some of us hide ours better than others, but it's really hard to hide a butt this big. Even behind a great big personality.

And sparkles.

Why is it that when I am feeling the weakest, I can't seem to stop myself from reaching for food? If there is any kind of sweet in the house I really can't resist it.

Halloween is a really hard time around here, because I don't want my kids to feel left out. So I let them participate. But then the candy in the house is obviously a bad idea for me. I can't even sleep. I dream about chocolate. or smarties. or starbursts.

Sweets seem to be my biggest downfall.

I can do without bread.
I can do without pasta.
I can do without rice.
I can even do without potatoes (for a while).

But when I give in to the craving for something sweet, I lose control. I can't get enough. It is like a drug. A little bit is just enough to make me mad.

For a while there, I was doing really good. Then I lost access to the gym. Well, truthfully, I could have gone to another, but I told myself that my gym would be back up and running soon, and it would be okay to miss a little while.

The truth was, it wasn't okay. I lost my momentum, big time.

Then I got busy getting my business up and running and it kinda ran away from me for a month. Eating on the go didn't help, because I didn't make ANY of the right choices.

Meanwhile, the chains of addiction have tightened, and I am choking.

I am afraid to get on the scale, because I don't want to know what I have done to myself. But I will do it in the morning, because it is time to face the truth. Freedom is not found in the hiding. So here I am.

Again.

EEK!

How is it possible that it has been over two weeks since I posted??

Oh, yeah. Life has been happening.

We have had company over, family in, and gone on a little trip in the past few weeks.

Plus, I got a little job. (more on that later)

All the while, I've not been doing well on either my eating choices, NOR my exercise.

I won't lie. I can make decent choices when I don't have carbs around me, but if they are there, I will eat them. This is the reason there are no chips in my house.

Or cookies.

Or cake.

Or chocolate.

I'll let the gravity of that sink in for a minute.

::crickets chirping::

But when I go camping, there are roasted marshmallows involved. In fact, there are ENTIRE. SMORES. involved.

There are chips.

There are cookies.

But there is also a lot of water, because I don't really care enough about soda to pack it.

And there is much physical activity, in the form of water sports. (and setting up and breaking camp...)

Meanwhile, I just ate like a normal camping fool, and ended up feeling pretty crummy. I could feel the water retension in my fingers and feet.

So when I came home, after a couple days feeling sorry for myself about the choices I had made, and a very encouraging letter from my daddy, I am back at it.

I am holding off weighing myself until I go weigh in at the doctor's office next week. That will give me a little time to shed a little of the excess water.

My fingers are already feeling a little better.

So. About the job.

I am working in the church kitchen once a week, where we serve a meal before evening service. This is especially difficult, because, as my daddy so correctly pointed out, it's a little like hiring an alcoholic to tend bar. I spent all day yesterday surrounded by the aroma of freshly baked cake.

Nice.

I'll just go over here and eat a salad, thank you.

Out here.

In my car.

Away from the cake.

Where you can't see me cry.

*sniff*

Welcome to the Rut

I was just having a conversation with my husband. I live in a rut, where eating out is concerned. I know just what I like at each place I visit. I know what I want, and always order the same thing.

But now I feel out of whack when I go anywhere. I have found what works at Chick fil a and my favorite place, Francisco's. But one day I nearly had a stupid panic attack in McAlisters.

I know. I know. Just eat a salad, already. But what if I don't WANT a salad. What if I had salad for breakfast? It could happen!!

So, I find myself looking at a menu and salivating at the things I would normally choose.

Time to boot myself outta the rut where I feel weighed down by all the things I CAN'T have. I need to re-train my brain to look for things I CAN enjoy.

Meanwhile, I seem to have the same problem at home. After awhile, eggs every morning gets BORING...

I feel like Bubba. Fried eggs, boiled eggs, scrambled eggs, poached eggs...

Time to crack out that killer omelette recipe.

Wait.

That's eggs, too.

Hmm...

What Defines Us

"You are what you eat."

You know you have heard it before and laughed. But, though I am not a cup of tea and three soft boiled eggs right now, there is a bit of truth there.

My decisions define who I am. When I decided last week to enjoy the leftover mashed potatoes and chocolate cake until I had a carbohydrate headache, I chose to be who I have been, instead of changing into who I want to be.

And when I ate potato salad, macaroni and cheese, my bbq sandwich on a BUN, and STILL have a few bites of cake and pie, I was choosing, yet again, that enjoying something momentarily was more important than enjoying peace. Yes, peace with myself for making a good decision is peace.

But the sugar rush, including shakes and cold sweats and the resulting pounding headache reminded me for an extra day and a half that I did not choose well.

So, what else defines me? Is it a number? That is part of who I am, but sharing it here doesn't change what is. It doesn't change what people see when they look at me, and it doesn't change what I see when I see myself in a photograph. No one is surprised when they see my weight. They can tell by looking at me that I am obese. When they look at me, they see a FAT person.

This is why I post my weight here for God and everyone to see. Am I ashamed?

Yes.

But mostly, it is because that number is a reflection of an inherent weakness and lack of self-control, coupled with the coping skills of a woman who has been through a LOT of crap in her life. A woman who has built a wall of FAT to protect her from who she perceives herself to be, and what she knows she is capable of being. A woman who has created poor habits and cultivated laziness.

So I post it without reservations. Because I choose to NOT be her any more. I choose to let myself heal from the pain of my past. I choose to be different from the skeletons in my closet, and not be lazy and secretive now.

I won't let the number on the scale define who I am or dictate the choices I make today.

And today I weighed in at 252.6 (up .6 lbs)

Do-Over

Whew! What a week!

Let's just say I didn't have a good one and move on, shall we?

Nah... In the spirit of full disclosure, Imma tell you how it all went down.

So, after a good week last week, and a happy number on the scale, I decided to make Monday my cheat day. So far, so good. But I went a little far. There were leftovers from Monday, so Tuesday became a cheat day, as well.

Not too bad, but I went to do stairs and jump rope and do a little walking/jogging Tuesday afternoon. Still good.

Then I was introduced to the shin splint. I'm not sure what I was doing differently than before, but I was in a lot of pain for the next few days, wherein I got NO exercise.

Top that with starting my period and all the chocolate craving that includes, and I didn't make very good choices At. All.

Also, somehow I managed to forget my daily Victoza shots for a couple days. My "want-er" was Out. Of. Control...

So, after yesterday's carb-filled Day O Family Fun, I'm not thinking the scale is gonna like me too much tomorrow.

But you know what? I'm not going to let that get me down. We all have bad days, bad weeks, bad months. Shoot! I've had some pretty bad YEARS! I'm going to take some ibuprofen to get me through this carb hangover today, dust myself off, and get right back on that treadmill!

Achieving My Future

I told you that I had my picture taken.

I have the giant 10x13 on the front of the refrigerator.

When I brought it home and put it there, my son found some magnetic words to put above it for inspiration.

Indeed.